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     If Bill Gates were a police chief...

	by Yury Nesterenko

     On  calling the police,  first it  would be necessary to prove that
the caller is a registered citizen and tax payer. The police would visit
unregistered persons only to bring them more trouble.

     After confirming the  registration,  the  caller would be  provided
with  police support over  the  phone.  For  example,  "Try to  hit  the
offender on  the  jaw.  That doesn't help?  Are you sure?  Then kick his
balls.  Doesn't help  either?  Does  he  put  out  any  prompts?  Please
reproduce the prompts word by word. Oh, indeed? Then try to run away..."

     A victim calling when the crime has already been committed would be
asked to  describe the  circumstances,  then  to  arrange them  again as
accurately as  possible,  to  wait and see whether the crime would occur
again. The police would not investigate crimes that are not repeated.

     The  town's financial bodies would randomly but  frequently receive
notices  that  they  have  performed an  illegal operation and  will  be

     The  police  would  pay  no  attention to  victims of  attacks that
involved firearms.  The  victims would be  re-addressed to  the  weapons

     When arresting somebody,  the  police would read aloud the  License
Agreement instead of the usual "It is your right to stay silent..."

     Criminal cases would be  terminated abruptly and  for most peculiar
reasons. For example, a policeman's trip to a fast food restaurant for a
hamburger would be  able to  cause the shutting down of a  few cases not
connected with one another. The restaurant could get closed too.

     The police would sign a  contract with the General Dynamics because
no engines but those built for Abrams tanks would be powerful enough for
the police cruiser cars.

     Linus Thorwalds would become a wanted man.

     Smashing windows would be among the hardest offences.

     There would be  huge and  magnificent prison building in  the town,
with columns,  dry docks,  mooring masts for airships,  fodder barns for
livestock,  garages for  cars and boats,  perfume stores and other items
that should be there in a  well-organized jail.  There would be abundant
cells,  iron bars, corridors and secret passages in the building. Nobody
would know them all,  neither the wardens nor even the prison principal.
But the amount of holes in the walls and floors would exceed the numbers
of the cells and the corridors and the secret passages put together. The
prison would be under permanent reconstruction.  As a result, some cells
and entire levels would get completely isolated. The more bars and walls
would there be, the more often the inmates would manage to escape.

     Commercial advertisements would  promise each  new  inmate  a  cell
tailor-made for him or her. In fact the inmates would be placed in wrong
cells more often than not.  Many offenders would be  not admitted to the
prison simply because they would not be  identified.  After receiving an
extremely  violent  offender  or  with  the  arrival  of  a  new  prison
principal,  the prison would fall down and it  would become necessary to
re-build it.  Time and  again the prison would fall down for no  visible
reason at all.

     Sometimes a prisoner released from the jail according to the papers
would in  fact  stay  in  one  of  the  cells.  Even more frequently his
possessions would  be  left  there.  Eventually the  prison would become
overfilled with those effects left behind,  so  it would be necessary to
demolish it and to build a new prison.

     After an electrocution,  the chair would give out a  prompt,  "It's
now safe to turn the power off." However, hangings would be more common.

(C) Yury Nesterenko, 2004
Translated by Igor Astapov

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