If Bill Gates were a police chief...
by Yury Nesterenko
On calling the police, first it would be necessary to prove that
the caller is a registered citizen and tax payer. The police would visit
unregistered persons only to bring them more trouble.
After confirming the registration, the caller would be provided
with police support over the phone. For example, "Try to hit the
offender on the jaw. That doesn't help? Are you sure? Then kick his
balls. Doesn't help either? Does he put out any prompts? Please
reproduce the prompts word by word. Oh, indeed? Then try to run away..."
A victim calling when the crime has already been committed would be
asked to describe the circumstances, then to arrange them again as
accurately as possible, to wait and see whether the crime would occur
again. The police would not investigate crimes that are not repeated.
The town's financial bodies would randomly but frequently receive
notices that they have performed an illegal operation and will be
The police would pay no attention to victims of attacks that
involved firearms. The victims would be re-addressed to the weapons
When arresting somebody, the police would read aloud the License
Agreement instead of the usual "It is your right to stay silent..."
Criminal cases would be terminated abruptly and for most peculiar
reasons. For example, a policeman's trip to a fast food restaurant for a
hamburger would be able to cause the shutting down of a few cases not
connected with one another. The restaurant could get closed too.
The police would sign a contract with the General Dynamics because
no engines but those built for Abrams tanks would be powerful enough for
the police cruiser cars.
Linus Thorwalds would become a wanted man.
Smashing windows would be among the hardest offences.
There would be huge and magnificent prison building in the town,
with columns, dry docks, mooring masts for airships, fodder barns for
livestock, garages for cars and boats, perfume stores and other items
that should be there in a well-organized jail. There would be abundant
cells, iron bars, corridors and secret passages in the building. Nobody
would know them all, neither the wardens nor even the prison principal.
But the amount of holes in the walls and floors would exceed the numbers
of the cells and the corridors and the secret passages put together. The
prison would be under permanent reconstruction. As a result, some cells
and entire levels would get completely isolated. The more bars and walls
would there be, the more often the inmates would manage to escape.
Commercial advertisements would promise each new inmate a cell
tailor-made for him or her. In fact the inmates would be placed in wrong
cells more often than not. Many offenders would be not admitted to the
prison simply because they would not be identified. After receiving an
extremely violent offender or with the arrival of a new prison
principal, the prison would fall down and it would become necessary to
re-build it. Time and again the prison would fall down for no visible
reason at all.
Sometimes a prisoner released from the jail according to the papers
would in fact stay in one of the cells. Even more frequently his
possessions would be left there. Eventually the prison would become
overfilled with those effects left behind, so it would be necessary to
demolish it and to build a new prison.
After an electrocution, the chair would give out a prompt, "It's
now safe to turn the power off." However, hangings would be more common.
(C) Yury Nesterenko, 2004
Translated by Igor Astapov
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