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     Applied monsterology
     (dedicated to Hollywood films)
     by Yury Nesterenko

     To make a  monster you should conduct a scientific experiment.  The
purpose of  the  experiment is  unimportant:  making an  ideal  soldier,
syntheses of cure for cancer,  etc.  -  anyway you'll get a monster as a
result. If you are too lazy to make your own monster, you should use the
final product.  To do this you should land on the nearest planet or come
down to the bottom of the ocean.

     Monsters could  be  sentient and  non-sentient.  If  a  monster  is
sentient,  he  will  never  use  any  technical adjustments,  even  most
primitive instruments,  relying on his own fangs and claws solely.  If a
monster is non-sentient,  it will regularly turn out to be trickier than
characters, though among them there's a pair of world-known scientists.

     Monsters are always spiteful.  It's absolutely unimportatnt if they
were offended in  their childhood or  had any sexual traumas -  monsters
are spiteful since birth.  Nobody could ever manage to make a good or at
least indifferent monster.  The aim of the whole life of a monster is to
pounce onto people and  tear them asunder.  If  monster does not  pounce
onto people, then it's dead. If monster is dead, then it's simulating.

     You can't control a monster. They are immune either to taming or to
peace    negotiations.    Everybody   knows   it,    except   government
representatives. Government representatives will insist on the opposite,
even  while being eaten by  the  monster.  Probably,  they never watched
American films.

     Monsters are rarely pregnant,  because they are squeamish about it.
They  prefer  when  people  do  this  instead of  them  (the  best  are,
certainly,  young beautiful women,  but men is fine too).  Science still
can't answer the  question of  how  monsters were reproducing themselves
before characters landed on  the  nearest planet or  came  down  to  the
bottom of  the ocean.  Uterine process runs in two stages.  On the first
stage an embryo sits in the belly of a person and pretends that it's not
in there. This stage can last for any period of time, even years. On the
second  stage  it   grows  up   from  an   embryo  to  the  full-fledged
baby-monster.  This stage used to take from 20 to 50 seconds. This looks
that way:  the  belly of  a  person ballooned and then bursted,  and the
monster  came  out.  I.e.  monster growing velocity exceeds the  maximum
possible  velocity of  cells  splitting approximately on  three  orders.
Baby-monster became an  adult monster a  bit slower -  about one or  two
hours. He doesn't need neither food nor energy to grow.

     Monsters can  easily breathe in  the  environment alien  for  them:
water creatures in  the  air  and  land  creatures in  the  outer space.
Monsters are mostly immune to  bullets.  However,  even if  monster is a
water inhabitant or is covered with slime, usually it burns pretty well.
If  you have no  cigarette-lighters,  then an  ideal thing to  destroy a
monster is a military spaceship. You should do this that way: first, you
allure the monster inside it  (usually,  however,  it is already there),
and then self-destruct the ship.

     If  a  monster is  killed,  it  will certainly leave the posterity.
However, if it is not killed, it will do this anyway.

(C) Yury Nesterenko, 2002
(C) Yuri Lapitskiy (, 2004 (english translation)

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