(dedicated to Hollywood films)
by Yury Nesterenko
To make a monster you should conduct a scientific experiment. The
purpose of the experiment is unimportant: making an ideal soldier,
syntheses of cure for cancer, etc. - anyway you'll get a monster as a
result. If you are too lazy to make your own monster, you should use the
final product. To do this you should land on the nearest planet or come
down to the bottom of the ocean.
Monsters could be sentient and non-sentient. If a monster is
sentient, he will never use any technical adjustments, even most
primitive instruments, relying on his own fangs and claws solely. If a
monster is non-sentient, it will regularly turn out to be trickier than
characters, though among them there's a pair of world-known scientists.
Monsters are always spiteful. It's absolutely unimportatnt if they
were offended in their childhood or had any sexual traumas - monsters
are spiteful since birth. Nobody could ever manage to make a good or at
least indifferent monster. The aim of the whole life of a monster is to
pounce onto people and tear them asunder. If monster does not pounce
onto people, then it's dead. If monster is dead, then it's simulating.
You can't control a monster. They are immune either to taming or to
peace negotiations. Everybody knows it, except government
representatives. Government representatives will insist on the opposite,
even while being eaten by the monster. Probably, they never watched
Monsters are rarely pregnant, because they are squeamish about it.
They prefer when people do this instead of them (the best are,
certainly, young beautiful women, but men is fine too). Science still
can't answer the question of how monsters were reproducing themselves
before characters landed on the nearest planet or came down to the
bottom of the ocean. Uterine process runs in two stages. On the first
stage an embryo sits in the belly of a person and pretends that it's not
in there. This stage can last for any period of time, even years. On the
second stage it grows up from an embryo to the full-fledged
baby-monster. This stage used to take from 20 to 50 seconds. This looks
that way: the belly of a person ballooned and then bursted, and the
monster came out. I.e. monster growing velocity exceeds the maximum
possible velocity of cells splitting approximately on three orders.
Baby-monster became an adult monster a bit slower - about one or two
hours. He doesn't need neither food nor energy to grow.
Monsters can easily breathe in the environment alien for them:
water creatures in the air and land creatures in the outer space.
Monsters are mostly immune to bullets. However, even if monster is a
water inhabitant or is covered with slime, usually it burns pretty well.
If you have no cigarette-lighters, then an ideal thing to destroy a
monster is a military spaceship. You should do this that way: first, you
allure the monster inside it (usually, however, it is already there),
and then self-destruct the ship.
If a monster is killed, it will certainly leave the posterity.
However, if it is not killed, it will do this anyway.
(C) Yury Nesterenko, 2002
(C) Yuri Lapitskiy (http://yuriybrisk.narod.ru/), 2004 (english translation)
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