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If "Titanic" would have been completed a 100 years later...

	by Yury Nesterenko

     Timer: Hey, Radar!

     Radar: All is clear. If something will happen, I'll give a whistle.

     Timer: Flush your cache and look on the sea!

     Radar:  Oh,  shi-i-it...  Iceberg is straight ahead!  Distance -  3

     Timer:  All right,  all right,  don't shout...  We  have some time.
Anyway,   your  timings  were  developed  by  Microsoft,   not  by  some
cobblers... Hey there, on the bridge!

     Autopilot: What?

     Radar: Iceberg is straight ahead! Distance - 2.99 miles!

     Autopilot: So what?

     Radar: Change the course, of course!

     Autopilot: My work is to stay on the present course. You should ask
the navigation module to change it. OK, I'll ask 'im. Hey, navigator!

     Power Manager: Don't shout. They're sleeping.

     Autopilot: So wake 'em up NOW!

     Power Manager:  Activate all tasks!  And don't gather a  mob on the
System Bus, let the others to load!

     Navigation Module:  Zzzz...  Zzzz...  <idle> Oh! Eh? What? Arrived?
Wait while loading...

     Timer: <ticking>...

     Navigation Module:  Why? We have more than three thousands miles to

     Radar: Iceberg is straight ahead! Distance - 2.7 miles!

     Navigation Module: What iceberg-wiseberg?!. There is no icebergs in
that region according to my map.

     Radar: But it's there!

     Navigation Module:  Maybe it's just a noise. By the by, do you know
our tonnage?  We  can't respond to  all the noises,  'cause it's hard to
turn such a  huge piece of  steel all  the  way...  I'll better ask  the
satellite. Hey, up there!

     NavSat: Don't bawl, I'm not deaf. What do you want?

     Navigation module: Is there an iceberg in front of us?

     NavSat:  How could I know?  I see nothing from here. Get rid of the
clouds and then ask.

     Radar: Distance - 2.5 miles!

     Navigation module:  Hmm... What a stable noise... Will be better to
avoid it. Counting the manoeuvre...

     Scheduler: Autoupdate, your turn.

     Autoupdate:  Hello,  friends!  And  this  is  me  again -  cheerful
Autoupdate!  And  what  does  that mean?..  Yes!  We  will download last

     Navigation module: Hey, get out! We have a lot of work to do!

     Autoupdate: I don't know that, all the questions to the Scheduler.

     Timer: <ticking>...

     Autoupdate: Update complete! Bye-bye!

     Navigation module: Starboard the helm! Three points!

     Radar: Distance - 2 miles!

     Navigation module:  Oh,  shit!  While  this  idiot was  loading his
updates my computations became out of date. Renewing... Wait, but why is
it so close? According to my data it must be further! Still, it can be a

     Task manager: System test, examine it, please.

     System test: Well, well, well, boy... What's your complaints?

     Memory manager: STOP! WAIT SIGNAL TO ALL TASKS!!!

     All: Eh? What's for?

     Memory manager: Memory is full. Disk swapping has started.

     Timer: <ticking sloooowly>...

     System test:  All is O.K.  here. I really don't know, but i suppose
that Central Propelling Unit frequency is raised, so the velocity...

     Navigation module: Stupid overclockers! I can't bear it!

     Radar: Distance - 1.5 miles!

     Navigation module:  Damn, now we have no time to change the course!
Expert system, what is to be done?

     Expert system: Oh dear! Pirates!

     Navigation module:  We are not pirates,  but a  Blue Star passenger
liner "Titanic"!

     Expert system:  All of you,  boys,  always presenting yourselves as
titanics,  but in  deeds you are not...  Let's see your configuration...
Aha!  Indeed! There's a difference in the ninth byte of the key. I'm not
going to tell you anything, 'cause you are malicious pirates!

     Task manager: No, silly, we just have downloaded some hot updates!

     Expert system:  I'm not a  fool as you want!  As a fair girl,  I'll
deal with you only after the registration!  But, nevertheless, I'll load
in the demo mode...

     Navigation module:  Iceberg is in a mile on our course.  What shall
we do?!

     Expert system: You have two options: to turn or not to turn. If not
- you'll smash the nose.  If yes - you have another two choices: to pass
by or to cut the board.  With a  damaged board you'll have two variants:
to sink or not to sink. There's nothing I'll tell you more, pirates!

     Navigation module: Larboard the helm!...

     Scheduler: Mediacenter, your turn.

     Navigation module: Flank speed backwards!

     Mediacenter: Good evening, my dear friends!

     System: Fatal error in kernel caused by MEDIACENTER.DLL

     Mediacenter:  Oh dear!  Why is it so dark here? Hey! Any survivors?

     Task manager: Well, I'm alive.

     Mediacenter: What's going here?

     Task manager: We're crashing into an iceberg.

     Mediacenter: And what shall I do?

     Task manager: Play some light music to the passengers.

(C) Yury Nesterenko, 2003
Translated by Yuriy Lapitskiy, 2004

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